I have hundreds of $ worth of stuff sitting in boxes I have yet to open...
k, opened & super psyced to play with all my new toys but the dog was going nuts (he is totally nuts sadly) so I had to put my playtime off...he seems to have calmed down now...I gave him his knock-out meds - hope I didn't over due it :( He fights them so much and I never know if they're working. It's so fucking sad. This dog is the love of my life and I can't really help him without giving him anti-anxiety meds. Which is what I do for me...bi-polar meds, anti anxiety meds, more anti anxiety meds...it's nuts but i need them...I "blame" it on dad's unexplained sudden rages...growing up on the "mean" streets of manhattan, feeling insecure all my life...but they tell me it's cause i have a super fast brain and i get worked up over stuff cause my thoughts start racing...which, in my mind, all likens back the the previous things i mentioned.
Feel like my dog is going through all the stages of craziness that i went through (guess am still sort of going through). like mother like dog i guess. they tell me i have to give him up - not because he's un-fixable but cause he's hating the apartment we moved into and is terrified of it and possibly blames me...who the fuck knows...I've done all i can...the worse he gets the more disconnected i feel from him so maybe giving him up is the right thing to do...keep him hoping he'll come back to me or give him to someone who can bring him some calmness & peace...ugh...what a horrible choice right?????
So, life is good...good. not great. not bad. just good. tired a lot. not sad anymore really. a little lonely at times - that's worse since my dog stopped sleeping with me in the bed...AND NO...get your head out of the gutter...not that way...i used to love waking up and having him snuggled next to me. but now he just sleeps in the bathroom..hidden...really, really sucks...
leaving for England next week. going to paris for a few days. should be more excited i would think but i'm just kind of ... "off we go"... i am excited. i love my family over there. they bring joy to my mom & that is comforting. first christmas there. first christmas mom will be there since she moved to the US...a move that produced me and a totally fucked up marriage to my totally fucked up dad - not that she's not totally fucked up too...i always hope to find answers to "her" when i'm there but i only see how happy she is there and i resent her for it. that's probably why i keep doing things that hurt her. she was supposed to protect me but instead she used me as a weapon & barganing chip against my dad...grrrr...totally not cool but i guess she was all alone here and she was super hurt by him so it was use me and keep connected to him even though it was in a horrible way or well, i have no clue what...curl up and die...wish she would have had a freaking spine and didn't live her whole life resenting, regretting, hating...it's so fucking lame...it's like she had me for him and then justified having me and not really wanting me by using me as against him. God the fights. the frantic phone calls. the judges i had to sit with and tell them who i liked better. the kidnapping. the just total weirdness of my seemingly "perfect" life.
I was raised with 0 people skills, had no friends unless i bought them. couldn't give them anything - didn't know how or what was supposed to be given so i ended up being mostly alone. a fact my father didn't hesitate to point out one lovely dinner up at my college. Hell on earth - terror and loneliness...hopeless & no where to go...so sad...i was so sad...not just me being sad but anyone who saw me...all they probably thought was "crazy" girl or "sad" girl...hate pity but that's what i think i got by anyone who actually spoke to me.
don't really remember going to classes at school after my freshman year. how fucked up is that? i know i found another lost soul my junior year and we got into more trouble than you can imagine...seriously...like police station visits...fights...insanity...but it was what i had to go through i guess...it was an awful life but it was a life...people live worse - are delt way worse cards...but to be honest...at least those kind of cards are ones they wear on their sleaves cause the scars are so visable...mine were hidden so deep that no one could find them...i had no idea what was going on around me...even checked myself into a psych place but they released me after 2 weeks cause i wasn't addicted to anything and they said my parents were to blame and i was brilliant (iq of something like 140something...maybe higher)...they admired me...thought checking myself in was so courageous...so mature...WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF....they're the nuts ones...couldn't they see how much pain and confusion i was in? Why didn't they help me??????? I guess it's like using an emergency room for medical care...here - take these pills and never come back. except i wasn't given any pills. i was given NOTHING...and it just got worse and worse and worse...
Every time i tried to get out of the nightmare it was all me trying to crawl out of it. i have always been my biggest protector and pusher to do things that make me the "success" i am today...i'm the one who says "enough" ... i guess everyone around me is scared of me cause i can out argue, out fight, out witt, out last anyone so what's the point in bringing up something they think i might react negatively too...i get that...hate people being afraid of me but it's my best weapon...sociopathic actually but i have a soul...a bit of a conseince and i feel empathy & compassion so i'm not clinically sociopathic...but i can manipulate anyone into doing anyting i want...always...my gift & my curse...wonder where that came from...
Feel like my dog is going through all the stages of craziness that i went through (guess am still sort of going through). like mother like dog i guess. they tell me i have to give him up - not because he's un-fixable but cause he's hating the apartment we moved into and is terrified of it and possibly blames me...who the fuck knows...I've done all i can...the worse he gets the more disconnected i feel from him so maybe giving him up is the right thing to do...keep him hoping he'll come back to me or give him to someone who can bring him some calmness & peace...ugh...what a horrible choice right?????
So, life is good...good. not great. not bad. just good. tired a lot. not sad anymore really. a little lonely at times - that's worse since my dog stopped sleeping with me in the bed...AND NO...get your head out of the gutter...not that way...i used to love waking up and having him snuggled next to me. but now he just sleeps in the bathroom..hidden...really, really sucks...
leaving for England next week. going to paris for a few days. should be more excited i would think but i'm just kind of ... "off we go"... i am excited. i love my family over there. they bring joy to my mom & that is comforting. first christmas there. first christmas mom will be there since she moved to the US...a move that produced me and a totally fucked up marriage to my totally fucked up dad - not that she's not totally fucked up too...i always hope to find answers to "her" when i'm there but i only see how happy she is there and i resent her for it. that's probably why i keep doing things that hurt her. she was supposed to protect me but instead she used me as a weapon & barganing chip against my dad...grrrr...totally not cool but i guess she was all alone here and she was super hurt by him so it was use me and keep connected to him even though it was in a horrible way or well, i have no clue what...curl up and die...wish she would have had a freaking spine and didn't live her whole life resenting, regretting, hating...it's so fucking lame...it's like she had me for him and then justified having me and not really wanting me by using me as against him. God the fights. the frantic phone calls. the judges i had to sit with and tell them who i liked better. the kidnapping. the just total weirdness of my seemingly "perfect" life.
I was raised with 0 people skills, had no friends unless i bought them. couldn't give them anything - didn't know how or what was supposed to be given so i ended up being mostly alone. a fact my father didn't hesitate to point out one lovely dinner up at my college. Hell on earth - terror and loneliness...hopeless & no where to go...so sad...i was so sad...not just me being sad but anyone who saw me...all they probably thought was "crazy" girl or "sad" girl...hate pity but that's what i think i got by anyone who actually spoke to me.
don't really remember going to classes at school after my freshman year. how fucked up is that? i know i found another lost soul my junior year and we got into more trouble than you can imagine...seriously...like police station visits...fights...insanity...but it was what i had to go through i guess...it was an awful life but it was a life...people live worse - are delt way worse cards...but to be honest...at least those kind of cards are ones they wear on their sleaves cause the scars are so visable...mine were hidden so deep that no one could find them...i had no idea what was going on around me...even checked myself into a psych place but they released me after 2 weeks cause i wasn't addicted to anything and they said my parents were to blame and i was brilliant (iq of something like 140something...maybe higher)...they admired me...thought checking myself in was so courageous...so mature...WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF....they're the nuts ones...couldn't they see how much pain and confusion i was in? Why didn't they help me??????? I guess it's like using an emergency room for medical care...here - take these pills and never come back. except i wasn't given any pills. i was given NOTHING...and it just got worse and worse and worse...
Every time i tried to get out of the nightmare it was all me trying to crawl out of it. i have always been my biggest protector and pusher to do things that make me the "success" i am today...i'm the one who says "enough" ... i guess everyone around me is scared of me cause i can out argue, out fight, out witt, out last anyone so what's the point in bringing up something they think i might react negatively too...i get that...hate people being afraid of me but it's my best weapon...sociopathic actually but i have a soul...a bit of a conseince and i feel empathy & compassion so i'm not clinically sociopathic...but i can manipulate anyone into doing anyting i want...always...my gift & my curse...wonder where that came from...
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